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The first incident that comes to mind is a lack of proper communication on my part. I was told by my sister Cathe that
I would be helped by her financially since I had seemed to need this. I thanked her for her help and listened to her instructions
about not telling siblings and waiting for her call that Friday for the particulars. I was excited and started to think of
my finances as hopeful but not get too anticipatory. Friday came and left, Saturday, Sunday and I was devastated. She is dependable,
Did I do something to displease her or is she using money power to show me she is dominant? What my life mate suggested was
that "Does she just like to f***ing with you?" I started to cry and he told me we were fine before this offer and we would
be just great without it. I calmed down and quit feeling like a victim. I had to live my life as best I could and not depend
on family to help. I was way too quick to want to be taken care of and I realized this was old behavior. I quit being pissed
off and thought "I don't think she is mad at me. Matter of fact I truly believe she loves me in her own mutated way." so I
quit fussing. I decided to look ahead and remember I am loved. The money came from her a few weeks, to a month,
later with a note apologizing for the delay. I never told her how hard this delay had hit me and never asked her what or why
the whole incident took place. I am grateful for her concern and help. I also have a hard time seeing good in her when she
really deserves it. She bullied me as a child and that image of her has persisted in my life view. She isn't a child and neither
am I anymore. I need to say thank you without a barb attached to it and am finding it hard to do. It is much easier to stay
emotionally calloused than to soften my heart to ones that have hurt me. Past won't be past until my whole soul lives it.
Gotta walk the talk. One of those times I need to not say what I feel as much as what the good part was about the whole thing.
Wish me luck.
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